Omg...even at this age,it still feels super super ultra weird to be holding a guy's hand. Will this weirdness ever pass? T.T I first realised this when I had to dance the Friendship dance with some rcy people. I am perfectly fine with girls but my hands go clammy with guys. Eww. All the same,I am thankful that I didn't come from a girl school. It was rather difficult for one of my friends to adjust when we realised we had to hold some random guy's hands for that damn mass dance thing. Okay,not that random. lol. But it's still with someone we aren't close with. -goosebumps-

Oh well. It isn't that big a deal,I guess. Besides,I survived it today. Part of it anyway. Tmrw is the last session XP Weeee~ For once,I am glad that no one from HS will see those retarded dance moves we have. Muahahahahahaha. But it's really really fun :)

For the first time in my life,I wished that someone would just pour a stream of cold water over my head,never mind that it was raining. So long as it gets all that foam,grass,and whatever stuff accumulated throughout the day. Eww. Hahahaaha.

You know what? I might like my school after all.

Oh.

Well,even if I don't,I am convinced that I can force myself to like it XP

I dont' know if I should be happy or sad. But I feel like dying right now. So many friends are going to SRJC,MJC,NYJC. Before submitting my JAE application,I kept asking myself "why not be with them?" I mean,MJC and NYJC are actually not bad, though I prefer m to ny. I think they might even be on par with SAJC this year. I felt like I was condemning myself to two years of hell when I saw the sms from MOE.

Okay,I got to be positive. POSITIVE. NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. SA might not be that bad after all ... -sinks onto ground- Who am I kidding? Argh. Forget it. It's over. I just have to make the best out of it even though I really don't know anyone who is going to SA. Well,CH said he was going to appeal and hopefully,he succeeds. Because otherwise,I am seriously alone on my own. Oh god. What a terrible notion.

And when I saw how disappointed my friends were when they couldn't go to their first choice,I felt really sad. Sad that they are going to be stuck at a school which they don't like for two years. But then again,their time is going to be more enjoyable since they at least have friends with them.

I am really not looking forward to tomorrow...

I was just too dumb to see the truth.

...

Now that I finally do,it's time for me to close that door and move on. Perhaps others will open for me.

-lounging around,placing head on table- I am almost half dead. There is NOTHING to do :( I think Dad might be giving me more personal space from now on. It's just a feeling though and I haven't tested it out yet:) Oh,and I found out that if I read every word in the newspapers,it takes me more than an hour :D But I think Dad still saw through me. T.T

-bangs head against wall- I get the feeling that I am a total failure.

Shoot. I can't even lie decently. -emo- My dad came home for lunch and I was reading the papers then. After he went back to work,I switched on the com. And then he called. And I said I was reading the papers. T.T WHO TAKES ONE HOUR TO READ THE PAPERS? -buries head in sand- I hate it when he does spot checks. The price of doing sneaky stuff XP I was just reading a novel.... :D

PATIENCE!! -TAKES IN DEEEEEEP,CAAAAAAAALMING BREATHS- It is just one of those days -sigh-

EXASPERATION!!! Jeez! I just couldn't sit still for another moment. Especially when I am getting nowhere with my math revision T.T Well,I hadn't realised that I had forgotten almost everything I have learnt in the past two years after leaving those books alone for a month until ZY mentioned that it might be good to start revising ._. -SIGH- So I sat at my desk,back facing the window. And found myself reading a novel instead. Marvellous. Just splendid. It's so frustrating to have to start reading everything all over again when I couldn't do the hardest question in the chapter. I thought ita waste of time to start from the easiest,but I might have to reconsider my decision after all. lol. Right. So I ended up reading an entire novel before I got exasperated enough with my unfocus-ness to move over here. lol. There has got to be some way for me to study without distraction,right?? It is mind-boggling how did I managed to study for my Os in this study room T.T

WELL,ANYWAY. I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND. And there is a whole pile of things for me to do... -bangs head against the wall-

lol. I am really tired. I just spent the past few hours trying to reconcile with the girl I argued with. Apparently,I had hurt her feelings. Don't even ask me what I said because I can tell you straight away I don't remember. I never remember the arguments unless it's with someone I really really really really care about. Plus I don't keep chatlogs,so I can't recall what exactly did I say. lol. After defending myself for so long,I am not even sure whether we have made some progress or are we back at square one. Actually I didn't really want to go talk to the girl after her friend came to talk to me. (Boy,does it feel good to have all six of my friends talking about me behind my back) It was ZY who said I would regret it for my life if I lost a friend for such a stupid reason. I didn't think it would be so serious,but I still listened to him. I mean,I would really like to be invited to this girl's wedding 10 years from now,but I am perfectly happy with not going out on outings with her. It's a bit contradicting,I know. But well,I couldn't say much when I have STM,could I? It was the one reason why I hardly ever win arguments T.T After I have worked myself into a heated discussion,I don't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place. And so,I lose. Hahaha.

Should we spend our life happy and optimistic,instead of being angry and upset? I guess this flaw is good in it's way. Hahaha. Oh and I am going to need to find someone to accompany me to a lunch meeting with a friend. A friend whom I have never met before. lol. Dangerous,I know. But I have known him since I was in primary school. lol. Besides,it's a great honour to meet someone as genius as him. And I really mean genius,that ass. I don't get why I couldn't have such brains T.T My cousins were in raffles too. I guess the genes didn't pass all the way down to me TT.TT Oh well. I am contend with what I have. I just hope to survive my 2 years in JC. lol. A simple enough wish :)

Am I mean? -sigh- I don't want to be either. I want to be nice too. Oh shit. I forgot to go to my anger management course. Dammit. -sigh- Tomorrow is another long day. I better get to sleep...

Just because I don't blow up often doesn't mean that I don't have a temper. Why do these people persist in thinking that I am just one tame cat sitting in a corner,helpless to do anything? I really don't understand them. Let me explain. A group of us are going out on tues. The idea was to go to Bird Park. And I was like ._. So I brought up the suggestion of going to Mind Cafe. I find my option so much cheaper (1/3 to be exact) and interesting than watching birds. So I suggested to this group. The outcome was 3v3. Brilliant. An impasse. We got nowhere with the discussion and then they suggest they go to bird park on another day and do what I want to do on tues. wtf. I don't want to be patronised. I just thought that this would be a better idea than watching birds. Those poor animals have got enough stares they have received to last them through lifetimes. But that's not the point. So one girl became pissed and said some stuff before leaving the conver. Like I wasn't pissed enough -.- right,so I just told them to do whatever they want and if they still want to invite me,please do and if not,i am fine.

Urgh. Seriously. I have never actually blown up in front of them,face to face,more of online stuff. But I really think that someday soon,I will really do it. Jeez. My face feels so warm. High blood pressure. lol.

I CAN DO THIS AND I AM GONNA DO IT! 4MORE MINUTES TILL I OFFICIALLY FINISH MY SECONDARY SCHOO LIFE. OH MY GOD. NO MORE RELAXING DAYS. FROM NOW ON,IT'S "RIP". LOL. I AM NOT GOING TO REGRET MY CHOICE. AND I WON'T! THERE CAN'T BE ANY MORE LOOKING BACK. I CAN MAKE NEW FRINEDS (HOPEFULLY) AT MY NEW SCHOOL. I CAN DO THIS!!

lol. Don't even ask why I am crying as I type this. I stayed up till 12.30 this morning to submit my JAE form. There was a panic attack sometime around 12 but I managed to survive. I didn't put a 7-point school in my top 3 choices. TJC was my 4th choice,in fact. After reading about the bullying cases in ACJC,I threw it out of my considering list. I put TJ behind because it's really far even though it's famous.

Well. SAJC is my first choice actually. And for some reason,I am rather apprehensive and worried about going there. It's such a shame that I can't go to the same school as most of my friends. Okay,I can,but SA has a higher ranking than them academically. lol. Main point is to go to uni after all. Doesn't matter how we do it,but the end result MUST be university. Isn't that so?

Then I figured I might as well cry out all the negative emotions so I went ahead. I don't think it worked. lol. Then I went to watch some motivational videos in the hopes that I can gather more courage to carry on. (influenced by Mr Chin's way to motivate self) I ended up feeling that no matter how much I worry,those obstacles are still gonna be there. Why not just face reality and do the best I can? We only live once and ought to do all we can to realise our dreams. And then all the emo music got my eyes to leak again. I remember that I almost wanted to weep in History class when Mr Chin showed us the Coffee Motivational story. Thank goodness I didn't. When Ms Toh sent us those inspirational messages to encourage us during the Olevels,I remember being very touched. There aren't that many teachers who care so much about their students. I guess other than HSRCY,I will miss the teachers there too. The ones who put in so much effort for us to do well in the Os.

Well,I am not going to burden you guys by naming out all my troubles and will just end off here. Good luck to all. Hope everyone can get into the school and course they want to :)

Well. Where do I start? Alright,I shall begin from the beginning. lol. I love such descriptive recounts. Hahaha.

So,I braved the wind and storm and finally managed to get to school after meeting up with some...friends. Later on,we were split up since we were seated according to our classes. My hands weren't as cold as they should be and that brought in some panic. Because from experience,if I don't get worried and anxious enough,my results weren't really good. Yea,so while I listened to the principals droning on about our results,I tried to will my hands into getting colder. LOL. Weird,I know. Sometimes when I am really really nervous,my hands go freezing cold,and I mean FREEZING. Brrrr. But anyway,I began to get worried when my classmates when to get their results for my hands were barely COLD T.T I walked numbly to the teachers and sat down without a smile. I signed beside my name to acknowledge that I had received my results and took those papers. My form teacher actually SMILED and said "Congratulations. I hope you can go to a good JC". I was stunned,I tell you. My brain couldn't register what she had said. I really thought she as joking with me. Plus,she isn't one to smile so brightly,seriously. lol. At most she will only um chio. lol.

So I returned to my seat and glanced at my results slip. I saw quite a few As and then I saw a B. I still didn't understand. And then I realised I was shaking from head to toe. My hands were trembling so hard that I couldn't even tear open my form A. My physics teacher offered to do it for me. Before she opened it,she said "I think you got 9points. Yea,I think so." I was like "??9points? What 9points?" LOL. It wasn't until she showed me the proof that I began to believe that I had really achieved 9points for my L1R5. I screamed. lol. I am sorry for acting in such an undignified manner but I doubt anyone noticed anyway. I was totally in cloud 9. Thank goodness I didn't cry. What shocked me was that when I told Dad my results,he wasn't surprised. He said he had already predicted it even before my Os. lol. Secretly,I wondered if he would be horribly disappointed if I had gotten 14 or 15 points (which I had really thought would be what I was going to get initially). But no matter,he went ahead and told my family and deprived me of the pleasure to surprise them. Hmph. He said that my mom and bros were thrilled. Hahaha. Oh well. -blush- I have scored better than both of my bros.

I felt so happy that I went around to thank all my teachers,or whoever were there anyway. That si ren Mr Chin,still laughed at me for I was really worried before the exam that I couldn't get a disstinction for CH. And I got an A1. Woots~! I have to admit,my results were really unexpected. But after comparing my results with students from more prestigious schools,I began to drift down from my cloud nine. lol. There are so many better students out there. I should compare myself with them rather than with my own classmates. But all the same,I AM VERY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS. Now if only I can share my joy with someone. All my friends have deserted me after knowing my results. Sad. lol.

In less than three hours,I will either be doomed or saved. But really,either option will still lead to the same outcome. And I would rather get over my suffering sooner than later,shorter than longer. I really hope that I won't break down and cry later. lol. I tend to lose control over my emotions at such events. Especially when the results aren't the desired one. My english is really bad in here. Pardon me. I can't think straight and my fingers are totally shaking. I am typing all these down only because I need something to do. Maybe I will go practise my piano a little. I just can't sit still and wait for the impending doom.

The year has barely started and I have already suffered two disappointments. I really hope that douple won't turn triple. I don't think my heart can take that many trips down to my feet. I have been practising,you know. The feeling of my heart sinking down. In hopes that I won't cry too badly in front of everyone later. Sometimes,I find myself wondering if I have really tried my best at the Olevel examinations. I know I went through all the motions of preparing for this major exam,but was my heart really in it? Did I really do all I can? Because whenever I think about how I have done for each subject,all those that I have done wrongly came back to haunt me. And I am left feeling that I have thoroughly failed that subject. These self-doubt sessions have became more regular in the past few days,leaving me very insecure and doubtful of achieving the grades I want.

People often say that if you have enough will,you can do it. Since the exams are already over,can I will my results to be the desired grades? Haha. Okay,I am going out of my mind with worry. Anxiety. Fear. Whatever. But I really don't think I can stand disappointing everyone I love. I am afraid my mind just wouldn't accept what my heart is telling me. By blocking out the whispers of my heart,I am left doing whatever I feel is logical,practical and sometimes foolish stuff.

'Kay. What am I talking about. I don't know. I think I will just go practise my piano a little,eat whatever lunch I can get down my throat and prepare for school.

-take in DEEP,CALMING BREATHS- I shall do perfectly fine.

It was just a joke.
No,it was a taunt.
Just a harmless joke. Dont' you even have a sense of humour?
Having one does not mean I have to put up with such insults.
You know they don't mean it.
Really? How would you know?
Oh come on,just take it as constructive feedback.
Funny. Not.

I am a mere human. -swallows- I can do this.

-BIGGGGGGG SIGH-

Yay~ I finally finished watching all those dramas. They weren't very nice la,but there weren't better choices to spend my time T.T oh well.

FOUR MORE DAYS TILL OLEVEL RESULTS ARE RELEASED. My terror level rises with each passing day. It seems like my holidays had just started and Doom's Day is already here, spoiling all the fun. -sigh- So far,I have had 3nightmares and 2 good dreams about my results. I have been practising the feeling of my heart sinking down to my feet. Just in case it really happens next monday. Hopefully the disappointment wouldn't be too overwhelming T.T I don't really want to cry on the last day I go back to HS. lol. I really have to start thinking positively. But it's gonna rain...

And I am going with ah cao and her bro to TP open house later...though I am not really interested in that school. lol. It felt like a better option than rotting at home,which is what I have been doing for the past few days. Growing fatter already T.T

I was packing up my secondary schools books a few days ago and it was kind of nostalgic when I flipped through my textbooks,seeing all my notes scribbled in there and remembering how much time I spent studying those paragraphs. It really brings back memories like sitting in the midst of a really chatty group and still trying to listen to the teacher. Hahaha. And when I realised that I couldn't concentrate on what two people are saying at the same time, I focused on the work at hand instead. XD Now I have one entire hole of empty space at my desk,waiting to be filled. And I mean HOLE. LOL.

I have a prize presentation coming up this sat and I am really eager to know whether I am in the top 5 or 10 % of the cohort T.T 250bucks make a lot of difference. I calculated and realised that I am the one in the middle. Hopefully the school helped to push me up T.T

How I wish there could be more time to enjoy life a little more before I have to face Death. Usually waiting for tests and small stuff like that erases one's initial nervousness about it,yet it isn't the case for this Os T.T It's a new year. When more challenges are going to come. I have to get used to this level of fear if I am going to do some presentations before the year ends. -sigh- if only I didn't have stage fright. Times flies by but the few minutes up there can really unnerve me >.>

Oh well. I shall enjoy whatever time I have left ba. After all, many things might change within the next week.

I am sorry.

But there really isn't much I can do. Not at this stage.

Disappoint. Disappointed. Disappointment.

Hurt. Being hurt. To hurt.

I don't really want to care that much anymore. Sometimes I really think I should go live as a hermit. But then I probably won't survive there.

Pristine snow turns dirty slush. An unhappy ending.