Haven't blogged for so long. Come to think of it,I have kind of stopped writing in my diary too. I seem to have lost my direction after my A levels. the Alevels that I have failed.

Right now,I am just putting on a facade. Seems like I have done it so well that even my dentist says I look so carefree. Haha. I only have 2 more months left till my results are out. Got to treasure every single second right now,right? Before hell starts. God,I have never been so terrified of something. Okay, maybe when I took my Olevel results? But that still cant compare to this because before those results were released,I at least knew that I hadn't screwed up as badly as losing 20% of total marks. Feel so stupid now. A mistake made in a 15seconds can really follow you throughout your life.

I have been trying to think positive. People have made worse decisions in less time than 15seconds. Eg. deciding to have an affair in the spur of the moment and getting HIV, deciding to cross the road at the wrong time and getting into an accident where you lose a limb. So really, in comparison, choosing the wrong essay question and having to repeat a year isn't as bad as those other scenarios.

...

I just looked at a couple of other posts by other bloggers. There was one which made me cry after I read it. It is really difficult to end up receiving terrible results when your teachers, friends, family expect so much better from you. But honestly, this is not what we want either! Do you think it is easy to be in so much competition all the time? Of course, a little pressure never hurts anyone but too much of anything is always detrimental.

I'm not really in the mood to start the blame game. After all, the blame still falls onto me anyway,right? And I do accept it. I have not always been totally focused on my studies.

Right now,I am just considering my options after I get back my terrible Alevel results.
1) Go back to school.
2) Retake As as private candidate.
3) Go to private uni...but I can't bear to get my parents to pay it,so no, proably not this option.

Going back to school is probably the best choice. The only things to bear is just the stigma of being a repeat student and having no friends. There is also the awkward running into teachers.

I just read online that retaking takes a lot of self-discipline,which I am afraid that I don't have. Plus, there is going to be some changes in syallabus. This year, I have only studied topics which have been spotted by my teachers. Naturally, these unspotted ones which I have not studied for will come out next year. Here comes my "oh shit". Imagine studying something that you have not touched for 2 years.

This sums it all up,really. The ironic thing is that now,I am applying for scholarships too. Seriously. Sometimes, I can't help but pause and ask myself what the hell I am doing,really. Am I living the life that I want or just following the wishes of others?

If it were up to me, I will just move to a small village in America and the live the rest of my life there. All of this judgement that will come after the release of Alevel results is enough to scare me away. Yes, I am just a coward. I know I shouldn't care about what others think, but I still do. Stupid,I know. I have always been that, no matter what my classmates think.