I am so mentally drained. After 2 months of work, I am already so tired ._. The past 2 months have been the start of a new change in my life. Joining the workforce is a pretty drastic change from school life. No more 2 or 3 day work weeks. No more spending whole day outside with mom, catching a movie, having lunch then going shopping before heading back home. No more weekly swimming or badminton sessions with ah cao. Sigh. All there is now is the constant worry at the back of my head - have I finished all that I need to do by today? When is the deadline for this task? What are the list of things I need to KIV? Worse still...what if I forgot to add something to the KIV list?? Oh my tian. I don't even want to think about it.

I have 2 reviewers currently. 1 is really nice. The other is hmm...not as much work chemistry I guess. So I really have to clarify how she wants to work with me. There are so many new processes that I need to remember for each engagement. The good thing is that I only have 2 engagements to handle. Even after 2 months, I am still struggling to remember all the bloody shortforms used and where all the files are saved in. Thank goodness I am starting to be more familiaried with all these now. But I am still silent during meetings. Not sure if I am supposed to contribute? lol. I think people here are pretty open. I can just speak up whenever I have questions, so that's not too much of an issue. I am only worried about me keeping quiet EVEN WHEN I don't know what is going on. That is bad...

Every day I go to work, praying that nothing will happen today so that I can go home in peace. Of course, this is not sustainable in the long run. Like last Thursday, I had a nice little chat with one of my superiors. She was my counsellor when I was here as an intern so I guess she likes me a bit? 'Cause she pulled me into the 2 big engagements she is in. lol. End up my portfolio is more than other people of my rank. I guess there isn't much choice to it since the size of each portfolio is liddat. If it's not me, it's someone else who has to take it. So last week, she asked me if I can take the workload. And I couldn't really answer 'cause I haven't been through a peak so I can't tell if it's too much for me. Anyway, she said she will have to add more to my portfolio 'cause 2 reviewers ain't enough. True, yes, 2 is insufficient for performance evaluation. But omg. 她不说还好.她一说, 我就 start worrying whether I can really take it and survive a peak.

Okay, breathe, girl. Breathe. You can do this. On the bright side of things, portfolios change every year. Survive one peak and things will get better. You will come out stronger knowing that you can handle a portfolio of this size. Stretch yourself and push your boundaries. Don't crumble before you even started. 💪

Last week, I had an engagement meeting. Apparently someone did something wrong and the team was discussing about it. The director said something that I didn't expect. It was really something that is very forward looking. She said "Don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes; I do too. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and think about how we can improve our processes. I am thankful for all these small minor mistakes that highlight to us that something is wrong and that we should do something about it, instead of us blindly going forward unknowing of the problems. So don't go back and blame yourself. It's already over. Now, we have to think about why we went wrong."

Isn't it a morale booster? The case was about a manager taking 3 days to check and answer a customer query. What we should have done was call the customer immediately and inform her that we will go and check instead of keeping quiet and take 3 days to reply. 'Cause in those 3 days, things got escalated pretty bad. The case also unveiled a few other points on how we can tighten our processes. I really learn a lot during these meetings. The bad thing is that I need to take minutes. omg...I suck at it. So much for all those years of being a secretary. lol.

After starting work, I appreciate my free time at home so much more. On the days when I don't bring my laptop back (which is not often given that it is off-peak now), I just nua at home, enjoy my time with my parents. I haven't had a chance to nua one weekened at home though. Every weekend, I spend my time at big bro's house to do his homework for his masters course. Urgh. Initially it was okay, 'cause I get to eat nice food -glutton face- but after 2 months plus, I am tired. Helping is one thing, but being used is another. Phrases like "I leverage on you mah. You do the work and I understand the concepts from there. It's faster and in the homework pieces, I value-add on what you provide." Yes, it is faster but I feel really used. And the feeling sucks. Plus every weekend, he says he will send me back. But in the end, he always gets our parents to eat out on sunday nights then they can "顺便" take me back. If not, he will give me cab fare...this feeling is really bad. Why should I be used like this?

But I can't break into a whole argument about it with my own brother either. Helping him should be 天经地义 isn't it? Sigh. Now I am doing his projects for him also -.- he says he will do his part later. So I am supposed to fill in all that I can. If I read up everything, of course I can write the whole paper. He wouldn't even need to do anything. It's not that I am being entirely selfish leh. If I am schooling or having holidays, I wouldn't mind doing this for him 'cause I will still have time to myself other than the time I spend with him. But now that I am working, I still work on his projects after work on weekdays and on weekends, I still spend all my time there.

I feel really drained. And I am very afraid that this will affect my work. Sigh. I am already thinking about when I can take my leave days. I want to take before peak starts. Otherwise I won't be able to clear after that. I see too many cases of being unable to clear leave and TOIL. Having a couple of days of doing nothing at home sounds real good to me. Maybe in November ba. Or October. Hahaha.